My Life Is Starting Over Again.

Caution: This is my Feel Bad blog of the year. 

Little over half way through the first semester of grad school and I feel like I am ready to give up. School is exponentially harder than I could have ever imagined. It isn't the coursework that is difficult, rather being able to manage time. It is so hard to make sure I set time aside for school, work, family, boyfriend, friends, and just for myself. I feel like school has taken over my life. Even though I have class on Tuesday and Thursday, I feel like every moment of everyday I am trying to find time to study, finish study guides, complete take home exams, work on projects, read all the articles and chapters of all my books, and do stupid assignments. When do I get to take a break and relax for just a little bit. I try to allow my weekends for me, but that just isn't possible.

School has the majority of my time, and the other "free" time I have is dedicated to work. Unlike so many of the other grad students, I HAVE to work to live. I don't have to luxury of rich parents that can pay my rent, buy my groceries, pay my car insurance, fill my car with gas and pay for all the other stupid expenses that linger. I am trying to be a responsible adult and take care of myself, meanwhile my relationship, friendships and sanity all suffer because of it. 

Trying to find time to be with my boyfriend? I get to see him at night, while he works. Wednesday and Saturday night are the only nights we actually get to see each other. But can you really call it seeing each other when we are just sleeping? 

And in the midst of all this "time crisis," I am dealing with the reality that my boyfriend is going to be leave me come next fall semester, most likely to an Eastern boarder university for his grad school. How much does this suck? I rarely get to see him now, and soon will not be seeing him at all. This November 23rd marks our one year anniversary together. Unfortunately, he doesn't remember :p. I have known since we met that he has an awful memory, especially for dates and I know he isn't forgetting on purpose. It kind of hurts that he doesn't remember; he booked plane tickets to go home for the holidays and leave on our anniversary. Do I say something? Or do I just let it go because he really didn't do it on purpose. 

This year I do not get to go spend Thanksgiving with Natalie. I am extremely torn up about this. For the past few years we have spend Thanksgiving together and it has always been such a joy. This year, financially, it is no longer an option. I hate how much grad school takes everything away from you. 

It is so hard to take things one day at a time, especially when there are deadlines to be met. Even though I have so much work to do, I can hardly stay focused enough to finished my projects, assignments and tests. I am feeling more and more stressed. When stress is high, food consumption increases and exercise decreases. I hate that I am being more lethargic and not finding time to make it to the gym. I am embarrassed to take my shirt off in front of my own boyfriend; the fact that he is basically ripped doesn't help either :P

So much complaining.