I Am Going To Feed You My Placenta.
I am afraid I am done. I keep telling myself, only 4 more years. 4 more years and Jeffrey and I will get back together, we'll live together again. Be madly in Love with each other, one day we will put those rings back on, eventually get married, and we will have the happiest life together. I keep telling myself that one day he will be romantic again. That he will tell me he Loves me, without me having to probe for it. But with every day it feels more and more like bullshit. It is getting increasingly hard to convince myself everyday that he still loves me, or even thinks about me.
Last time we actually talked on the phone, January 26th. Of course that is my fault too, I could have called him myself, but when I feel like I am just boring him with my life or being inconvenient, I can't bring myself to actually push the "Talk" button. Last time he actually text me on his own accord, I don't even remember.
I've a box of Valentine shit sitting here for him, but I can't bring myself to send it because the fear of it being one sided is too overwhelming. He'll get the box, take out the chocolate, and deem the rest as garbage.
They say good things happen to those who wait, but how long to I have to wait? How much longer do I deal with stupid little things like...
Sending this photo asking "what do you think?"
And getting back, "no." "You're not a girl Jacob. everything you've been doing late is so womanly"
It is just frustrating. I can't tell if he is purposely trying to be mean or if he is joking. I would like to think he is joking, but in all reality, I know he is being serious.
I believe it is now time to finally hit the save button on the FB Relationship Status: Single.
Yes of course FB says we are dating, but that's a joke. We only did that so we would both keep guys away from us. But everyone knows that is a stupid idea. Just giving me false hope.
Let's face it, I am not going to move down there and he isn't going to move up here. I like stability, he doesn't. We both value different things. He always says he will marry me if I get him a Westfalia, but that appears to be the only reason why.
Was it a stupid idea to apply to the grad program at University of Arizona? Probably. If I did get in, Jeffrey is planning on moving to Phoenix anyway, so it would be another distance relationship.
God, I am just ridiculous.
Jake love, I wish I could give you a great this is how to fix everything statement but I can't. I can offer the overused statement of you aren't ridiculous merely human. We all want to be loved and you deserve it. Being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way hurts and it hurts letting go. You will find someone who values and loves you and will give you all the things you're looking for. Trust me...I know these things. Until then well the rest of us will still love you. P.S. I like the look, it is not being womanly to ask. :P
ReplyDeleteJake, my love, take it from someone who spent waaaaay too long being a back pocket girlfriend...if you can already see that he doesn't share your same values or treat you the way you want a boyfriend to treat you then you need to end it. I know that is hard to hear, and I wish I could tell you that I didn't hear it a million times from my friends without accepting it, but I can't. Sweetie, I spent way too long grasping at straws, going back to men that treated me like crap, or only wanted me as a temporary make out buddy until the next "hot, young thing" came along, and then I was on my own- alone and confused again until they would call me and say ,"I miss you, you're the only one that really gets me..." and the cycle would repeat itself. Don't settle for less than you deserve! You know what you want, if Jeffrey isn't giving it to you, then be brave enough to move on and look for someone that WILL give you what you want and deserve. No one deserves to feel or be treated the way that Jeffrey treats you. Applying to grad school down there doesn't make you a fool if its a great program (which, knowing the school personally as I almost went there as well, I know it likely is.) If he moves, who cares? Take this opportunity and move forward. Find the guy that you deserve and deserves you...you have so much love to give- don't waste it on a jerk who makes you feel like you don't matter. Love you! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI've definitely been in this situation before with my ex.
ReplyDeleteThe endless attempts at salvaging the remnants of what was once an incredible relationship.
Holding onto false hopes given by the one you hope will someday love you back.
It really does suck, but from what I've just read, you're worth so much more than to be treated like somebody's back-up plan. It's not fair to you, and I'm sure you'll find somebody who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated--Somebody who will love you just as much as you love them, without having to take a hint to show it. :)
Hang in there!!