6/30 We're Gonna Lose Control.
Today I was chatting with a customer at work and this gentleman comes in frequently. He isn't a regular by all means, but he frequents the rink enough that we have created a little friendship. He usually has some question for me and we base our conversation off of the question at hand. Today he asked me what the hardest thing I had to experience is. Of course I immediately jump to 1) losing the Love of my life, and 2) coming out to my family.
As I was driving home from work I started to think about it. Both of those experiences were extremely difficult. The two each taxed my emotions, physical being and self worth. but as I thought about it, I have come to terms with both of them. I am alright with losing Jeffrey. Yes, I cry about it every once in a while now, but it's been over a year, and I have no real choice but to get over it and move on (although hope still persists). Coming out was crazy hard, but at the same time so relieving that I would do it everyday if I had to. The biggest burden was been lifted. So much good has come out of me coming out.
Truly the hardest thing I have ever had to experience is losing my best friend Camary. Her birthday was the other day and I wished her a happy birthday; I knew it was just as special as every other person wishing her a happy birthday. The specialness has worn off. As close as we were, we have drifted so far apart it makes my heart ache.
Cam and I met in high school, my senior year, her junior year. She wanted to tell me a joke one day and I listened and after that day I knew we would be immediate best friends. That weekend we hung out for the first time. The following week, I was invited to her birthday and we were inseparable. With each other everyday, all day. We started taking classes together cause that's what best friends do. We had lunch together every day. I would go and hang out at her work for her whole shift just to hang out. You could say Cam and I were the live version of Will and Grace.
We talked everyday, all day. Call each other about everything and anything. And when we weren't talking on the phone or together, we were texting or FB chatting. That went on for a year and a half. But all great stories must end sometime. At the end of summer, Cam's mom decided it was wrong that we were spending so much time together and started limited out time together. 3 time a week. That's it. And for no more than 4 hours at a time. Then it came to the point where she sat us both down and told us it had to end. The Ban on our friendship had begun. Camary was no longer allowed to see or talk to me. Like that stopped us. We still hung out everyday for the whole school year. How did we get around it? Well when I go see Cam at work, I would park my car behind the building so when her mom would drive by, she couldn't see my car. Ha ha, little devious children we were. We would go to dinner at least 3 times a week. We always had fun. Played frizbee golf, played at the park. We were not afraid of getting caught because we knew it wouldn't happen. We even wore the Best Friends Forever necklaces.
Then it came to a point. We both were in college, taking classes together. Still spending every moment with each other. After that first semester, I was thinking more and more about coming out. I was beginning to act on my feelings and dating guys. Cam had no clue about any of this. I was too scare to tell her. I started to drop Cam, for my own selfish reason. I didn't want her to find out. I was scared. The only way I would be able to keep it me being Gay was to push Cam away. And that is what I did. It was the worst thing I could have ever done. Every single day, I had to stop myself from calling her or texting her. I started making up excuses so we couldn't hang out. Our friendship was over. I can remember crying almost every day that I couldn't talk to her.
Since I came out, Cam and I have started talking more and there is a basic friendship again, but nothing in comparison to what we had before. We don't talk though, and that makes me extremely sad. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.
I Love Camary with all my heart. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have learned so much from her. She taught me to be a compassionate, kind, love-life person. Seeing her always brightens up my day. I wish one day her and I will be able to have a friendship that is similar to the one we had.
Of course this do NO justice to our friendship. There is no way of expressing how things were between us. It was a bond that cannot be duplicated to defined in words. We were closer than so many married couples I see.
Losing Cam is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. She means the world to me, and if we never cross paths again, I wish her the best in life. She deserves it.
As I was driving home from work I started to think about it. Both of those experiences were extremely difficult. The two each taxed my emotions, physical being and self worth. but as I thought about it, I have come to terms with both of them. I am alright with losing Jeffrey. Yes, I cry about it every once in a while now, but it's been over a year, and I have no real choice but to get over it and move on (although hope still persists). Coming out was crazy hard, but at the same time so relieving that I would do it everyday if I had to. The biggest burden was been lifted. So much good has come out of me coming out.
Truly the hardest thing I have ever had to experience is losing my best friend Camary. Her birthday was the other day and I wished her a happy birthday; I knew it was just as special as every other person wishing her a happy birthday. The specialness has worn off. As close as we were, we have drifted so far apart it makes my heart ache.
Cam and I met in high school, my senior year, her junior year. She wanted to tell me a joke one day and I listened and after that day I knew we would be immediate best friends. That weekend we hung out for the first time. The following week, I was invited to her birthday and we were inseparable. With each other everyday, all day. We started taking classes together cause that's what best friends do. We had lunch together every day. I would go and hang out at her work for her whole shift just to hang out. You could say Cam and I were the live version of Will and Grace.
We talked everyday, all day. Call each other about everything and anything. And when we weren't talking on the phone or together, we were texting or FB chatting. That went on for a year and a half. But all great stories must end sometime. At the end of summer, Cam's mom decided it was wrong that we were spending so much time together and started limited out time together. 3 time a week. That's it. And for no more than 4 hours at a time. Then it came to the point where she sat us both down and told us it had to end. The Ban on our friendship had begun. Camary was no longer allowed to see or talk to me. Like that stopped us. We still hung out everyday for the whole school year. How did we get around it? Well when I go see Cam at work, I would park my car behind the building so when her mom would drive by, she couldn't see my car. Ha ha, little devious children we were. We would go to dinner at least 3 times a week. We always had fun. Played frizbee golf, played at the park. We were not afraid of getting caught because we knew it wouldn't happen. We even wore the Best Friends Forever necklaces.
Then it came to a point. We both were in college, taking classes together. Still spending every moment with each other. After that first semester, I was thinking more and more about coming out. I was beginning to act on my feelings and dating guys. Cam had no clue about any of this. I was too scare to tell her. I started to drop Cam, for my own selfish reason. I didn't want her to find out. I was scared. The only way I would be able to keep it me being Gay was to push Cam away. And that is what I did. It was the worst thing I could have ever done. Every single day, I had to stop myself from calling her or texting her. I started making up excuses so we couldn't hang out. Our friendship was over. I can remember crying almost every day that I couldn't talk to her.
Since I came out, Cam and I have started talking more and there is a basic friendship again, but nothing in comparison to what we had before. We don't talk though, and that makes me extremely sad. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.
I Love Camary with all my heart. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have learned so much from her. She taught me to be a compassionate, kind, love-life person. Seeing her always brightens up my day. I wish one day her and I will be able to have a friendship that is similar to the one we had.
Of course this do NO justice to our friendship. There is no way of expressing how things were between us. It was a bond that cannot be duplicated to defined in words. We were closer than so many married couples I see.
Losing Cam is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. She means the world to me, and if we never cross paths again, I wish her the best in life. She deserves it.
Jake this one makes my heart hurt. I've been there (not exactly there but close enough to have an idea). I think what makes it hurt the most is when you know that it's something you did and knowing you can't undo it. I hope the two of you can be close again. You guys were the closest I've ever seen two people be.
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